My body is out of sync with the moon. My moontime a whole week early. This is a sure sign of my inner turmoil. When what I am doing is out of sync with what I am feeling or intuiting, my body responds.
But colour and light are pushing forth. Yesterday I smiled big smiles.
As a person who prefers to get on with everyone, but is choosy about close friends, I have been incredibly uncomfortable being in a situation where my choices are limited (as it is for everyone else here). As well as the added pressure of doing all this for others, and of not rocking the boat.
For me, a Saggitarius Moon, it feels claustrophobic. I have a desire to spread my wings. And to do so honestly. I expect honesty from others, naively so. I'm the worst around underhandedness or duplicitous behaviour - those that come across as friends but undermine who you are, your choices, your closest relationships.
And if someone is to dislike me, I'm comfortable with that, as long as they dislike me with respect, and preferrably (my Libran side asks) with some justification.
Some people are bitter about their life choices, or being different, or not being the centre of attention.... or it's simple selfish frustration at others not fitting in with your life..... or they are so insecure that they boost their good feelings by feeding off the sadness or misfortunes of others. 'your life sucks in x way? great, makes me feel extra smug for x thing'.
I genuinely wish others around me well. Other people's good or bad fortune isn't about me. So I am always dismayed when I find someone who operates in that way. Who has literally fed off my misfortunes. Perhaps they are conscious of it or not, but they do it.
Then there are those that are so insecure that they are threatened by a strong woman who has made such drastically different choices, and the only way they can feel better about themselves is to mock those choices. Because if those choices are ridiculed and others join them in that, their own life choices are defended.
my visual journal - Soar
As I was saying to my good friends recently, I don't believe in being a victim. Another friend used the perfect term 'co-creator of my life'. I have taken time to look at how I have contributed. Moaning about my circumstances to one of my old friends would have been taken completely differently - just a moan. Here, it has been used as evidence of my supposedly stupid choices. Or thrown back in my face by sharing in return how great their own life is in that same area. This is not friendship.
Most importantly, is needing to talk so much, and being a generally open person, and wanting to satisfy other people's social needs, that I left myself vulnerable, looking as if I were weak, a doormat even, a fool. Either I opened up too much or kept my mouth shut for the sake of peace. Even when my intuition told me otherwise.
When I describe this to my old friends they are shocked. They view me as strong, confident, powerful, formidable even at times, but still caring and compassionate
I can't do anything about the circumstances of my life as such, nor about other people's personalities and hang-ups. But I do have some control over how I present myself. In my sleep-deprived vulnerability I have, unwittingly, presented myself as pliable and a sacrificing mother. And have dropped bounderies that were never mutual.
I may have moments of naivity, but I am rock solid in who I am and what is right for me, and for my child. I have been made to feel uncomfortable, uneasy, even upset. But I can't be shaken, or made to doubt myself.
My sense of social justice makes me angry knowing that another less secure person or mother would be made to doubt herself and thereby be more influenced away from her natural instincts.
As for mothering. Spending my whole time with my child has been difficult, because I'm not a natural mother and because of the lack of sleep. I will never deny that to others or myself.
Yet I wouldn't change one second of it (except more sleep, yes, more of that please). I mean I would never have had it, or continue to have it for the forseeable future, any other way. It isn't for everyone, but it has been right for us.
I have raised my own child, I haven't missed anything, I have given her the securest base a child could have of being loved. She will never be 3 months old, or a year old, or 2 years old ever again. It has all been mine, and it's been a privilege.
I hope to still get on with others here. It's still my character to want that. But not if it compromises who I am, or jeopardises my family in any way. And all relationships require their bounderies. Sometimes defining the right one for both sides is all it takes for harmony. Other relationships require time to find their balance... or to be eventually let go.
But I began this post mentioning how out-of-sync I was. I have been ill for about 2 weeks. A cold that started in my head and shifted to my chest. A terrible cough - signifying my need to get something off my chest. And then my misaligned moontime that usually visits at every dark moon.
And that's the crux of what I want to share with you. How when we don't listen to our intuitions, or when we attempt to live life according to other people's needs, or when we compromise too much, or when we leave ourselves open to emotional attack, or when we concern ourselves too much with fitting in, we fall out of line with the natural way of things. The flow of living is halted or misdirected. And it becomes a ripple effect. Affecting every other piece of our lives. Including those of our loved ones.
And we can feel like victims... but there is always something we can do. Even if it's simply to believe and stand strong in the truth and worth of who we are.