Friday, April 9

finally, Spring arrived... inside

The Winter hibernation and recent melancholoy postponed Spring for me. Despite that new shoots were rising and the weather was warming up.

My body is out of sync with the moon. My moontime a whole week early. This is a sure sign of my inner turmoil. When what I am doing is out of sync with what I am feeling or intuiting, my body responds.

But colour and light are pushing forth. Yesterday I smiled big smiles.

As a person who prefers to get on with everyone, but is choosy about close friends, I have been incredibly uncomfortable being in a situation where my choices are limited (as it is for everyone else here). As well as the added pressure of doing all this for others, and of not rocking the boat.

For me, a Saggitarius Moon, it feels claustrophobic. I have a desire to spread my wings. And to do so honestly. I expect honesty from others, naively so. I'm the worst around underhandedness or duplicitous behaviour - those that come across as friends but undermine who you are, your choices, your closest relationships.

And if someone is to dislike me, I'm comfortable with that, as long as they dislike me with respect, and preferrably (my Libran side asks) with some justification.

Some people are bitter about their life choices, or being different, or not being the centre of attention.... or it's simple selfish frustration at others not fitting in with your life..... or they are so insecure that they boost their good feelings by feeding off the sadness or misfortunes of others. 'your life sucks in x way? great, makes me feel extra smug for x thing'.

I genuinely wish others around me well. Other people's good or bad fortune isn't about me. So I am always dismayed when I find someone who operates in that way. Who has literally fed off my misfortunes. Perhaps they are conscious of it or not, but they do it.

Then there are those that are so insecure that they are threatened by a strong woman who has made such drastically different choices, and the only way they can feel better about themselves is to mock those choices. Because if those choices are ridiculed and others join them in that, their own life choices are defended.

 my visual journal - Soar

As I was saying to my good friends recently, I don't believe in being a victim. Another friend used the perfect term 'co-creator of my life'. I have taken time to look at how I have contributed. Moaning about my circumstances to one of my old friends would have been taken completely differently - just a moan. Here, it has been used as evidence of my supposedly stupid choices. Or thrown back in my face by sharing in return how great their own life is in that same area. This is not friendship.

Most importantly, is needing to talk so much, and being a generally open person, and wanting to satisfy other people's social needs, that I left myself vulnerable, looking as if I were weak, a doormat even, a fool. Either I opened up too much or kept my mouth shut for the sake of peace. Even when my intuition told me otherwise.

When I describe this to my old friends they are shocked. They view me as strong, confident, powerful, formidable even at times, but still caring and compassionate

I can't do anything about the circumstances of my life as such, nor about other people's personalities and hang-ups. But I do have some control over how I present myself. In my sleep-deprived vulnerability I have, unwittingly, presented myself as pliable and a sacrificing mother. And have dropped bounderies that were never mutual.

I may have moments of naivity, but I am rock solid in who I am and what is right for me, and for my child. I have been made to feel uncomfortable, uneasy, even upset. But I can't be shaken, or made to doubt myself.
My sense of social justice makes me angry knowing that another less secure person or mother would be made to doubt herself and thereby be more influenced away from her natural instincts.

As for mothering. Spending my whole time with my child has been difficult, because I'm not a natural mother and because of the lack of sleep. I will never deny that to others or myself.
Yet I wouldn't change one second of it (except more sleep, yes, more of that please). I mean I would never have had it, or continue to have it for the forseeable future, any other way. It isn't for everyone, but it has been right for us.
I have raised my own child, I haven't missed anything, I have given her the securest base a child could have of being loved. She will never be 3 months old, or a year old, or 2 years old ever again. It has all been mine, and it's been a privilege.

I hope to still get on with others here. It's still my character to want that. But not if it compromises who I am, or jeopardises my family in any way. And all relationships require their bounderies. Sometimes defining the right one for both sides is all it takes for harmony. Other relationships require time to find their balance... or to be eventually let go.

But I began this post mentioning how out-of-sync I was. I have been ill for about 2 weeks. A cold that started in my head and shifted to my chest. A terrible cough - signifying my need to get something off my chest. And then my misaligned moontime that usually visits at every dark moon.

And that's the crux of what I want to share with you. How when we don't listen to our intuitions, or when we attempt to live life according to other people's needs, or when we compromise too much, or when we leave ourselves open to emotional attack, or when we concern ourselves too much with fitting in, we fall out of line with the natural way of things. The flow of living is halted or misdirected. And it becomes a ripple effect. Affecting every other piece of our lives. Including those of our loved ones.

And we can feel like victims... but there is always something we can do. Even if it's simply to believe and stand strong in the truth and worth of who we are.

14 comments:

  1. Oh me oh my! You're speaking right to my heart here.

    I'm so sorry to hear you feel you've compromised yourself lately. It is so easily done and it tends to happen so subtly you don't even notice at first. But I am so glad you've come to realise what's going on and listened to your intuition/ bodily signs. I'm clawing my way out of a similar situation right now and feel ever so grateful that I too listened when the voice said I was heading down the wrong path. Hope you feel better in yourself and your relationships soon, hon.

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  2. Wow, great Mon. I mean not at all nice for you to be sick, but again, great in your clarity about it and deeper insights. They can be good like that, illnesses.
    I have also had a cold which has turned into a chesty cough over last week - funny that - didn't relate to the other stuff going on at all but of course.
    x

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  3. Gosh, I see what you mean about the synchronicity now!

    It sounds as though you have found yourself in a very testing situation recently, and I applaud your honesty. I wholeheartedly agree with what you say about victimhood, too. That is not to take away from how awful someone can feel when they find themselves in an unpleasant situation, but to give them hope that there is always a way to improve it.

    I wonder how that particular type of person will take your initiation of boundaries - not well, I imagine. Your strength is a terrible threat to anybody whose default mode is weakness. They deserve sympathy, perhaps, but it is very difficult to sustain it when the relationship continues to be destructive.

    So glad to hear that spring has arrived for you!

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  4. I believe there is a direct link between emotions and physical ailments. I feel that to heal the body we need to nurture the spirit and explore where things are coming from. I feel that many of my illnesses are bought on by inner worry and things left unsaid or unfinished. Signs are all around us guiding us gently but often we need to be knocked off centre to see them clearly, well I certainly do, when ill I have to rest, when I rest I reflect more deeply on things and this helps me move forward. Spring is here.... soak it up.

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  5. Gosh Mon, sounds like some difficult times. Sending positive wishes for you to have the strength to get through them. It can be so hard, especially when one reads online of such supportive, uplifting friendships, or indeed even finds them online, not to have them in real life. "Friends" who do that - judge, condemn, justify, are not friends; at best they can be acquaintances; but should not be allowed to be too close. But it can be hard, if there are limits to finding alternatives. May you be strong, stick with your convictions; be authentic. Am sure the critic, the judge, can only be insecure in their own life, not happy with their own choices, otherwise why would they feel the need to judge, to criticise, to try to change ? Eventually things will move on, and one day, hopefully you will have the supportive and true friendships in your life, physically I mean, as well as in this community. x

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  6. Oh gosh, I had similar feelings of "something's got to give" at the end of last year when I had a series of episodes of severe pain which I finally attributed to an ovarian cyst. It was horrible, it made me feel vulnerable and it made me realise that I was doing too much for other people and not enough for myself. I agree that the body tells us when something is wrong.

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  7. Pom-poms out, cheering has commenced.

    The courage it took you to get this off your chest and out into the world. A good ole' Spring Cleaning.

    I have sensed in you these past couple of weeks a sort of rebirth/regeneration thing goin' on. And this is the climax.

    As you know I recently conquered a huge demon myself and became more "authentic" in the process. I now find that I have less patience for "phonyness" in both myself and in others.

    I too have had these kind of toxic relationships in my life and it was "family". Unfortunately or fortunately, it ended up that my immediate family and their immediate family haven't communicated in 5 years now. The toxicity emanated from jealousy and I wouldn't put that past some of these people in your life.

    You found the courage to identify and admit what was truthfully going on to yourself. And then you found the strength to rise above it all and reclaim your true self.

    It's so sad that we have to be weary of people and their motivations sometimes. I'd love to plod through life all sunshine and rainbows. But there will always be "those people". So, we have to be on guard.

    Way to go Mon and Happy Spring to you!

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  8. I have always so much admired your consciousness, your willingness to look at yourself honestly, and your strength. It was what first drew me to you, and over time has made me feel genuinely honoured to know you.

    There aren't many courageous people in the world. Most are frightened on some level or another. And that social vampirism, that half-conscious cruelty, comes straight out of fear. And there's nothing more scary or threatening or intimidating to a frightened person than someone who is not. A woman who is willing to be honest with herself and about herself. I am sorry for their fears but those are their responsibility, and its awful the way they try to drag other people down.

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  9. Thank you for this post Mon.

    I too believe in a physical/emotional connection, as I have suffered the consequences of emotional upheaval all of my life. Mostly through stomach problems, but also with headaches and other illnesses. Realizing this and learning to listen to myself has helped.

    I am glad you posted this Mon. It gives me a sense of connection with you and others who feel this way. It helps to renew my courage. And reminds me to listen to my instincts.

    Thank you. xx

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  10. This sounds so hard, Mon. So many times in my life I have been there, BC and AC. If only there could be just ONE person out there that understood, that you could really connect with and be yourself.

    I've sort of being doing the opposite. Since practically everyone I know reads my blog and I'm more outspoken there than in person...it's helped me come out of my shell and not worry so much about rocking the boat. It was really hard for me, but now I feel like I'm finding a balance where I can speak out but without putting my foot in my mouth (hopefully). I do hope this helps with my health.

    I'm glad spring has come for you. I hope you find a place of healing and get yourself back in order. x

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  11. my post today was going to be about a longtime friendship, come and gone...but life took over. i love that you choose to be natural, over accepted.


    YES!

    "I have raised my own child, I haven't missed anything, I have given her the securest base a child could have of being loved. She will never be 3 months old, or a year old, or 2 years old ever again. It has all been mine, and it's been a privilege."

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  12. Indeed, we are in control of how we let others make us feel. So true.
    I hope you are finding a balance, and I hope spring comes to your doorstep very soon.

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  13. Something must be going on in the cosmos. You spoke to my heart as well with this post. I just posted a similar-sort of feeling over at MmmmMama. And I always say, no matter the situation, we are always in control of our perspective and our action/reaction. Thank you, Mon.

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