It's a constant tinnitus of doubt in my ear that I had quietened. Or so I thought. Well, I did really, it's just that there was a big chunk left hanging around and it was so buried that I hadn't noticed. Or when I spotted a little corner potruding out I simply dismissed it as unimportant.
Anyway, I wanted to share with you where I am these days.
Face the Unknown, Me
I'm tired. Usually exhausted.
Yes, I know, a broken record. But it's so constant that it effects everything. And unless you are going, or have gone, through it, it's difficult to truly appreciate the impact something so ordinary can have on a person.
Currently going to bed with her at about 1am, up at about 9am, and wakes 3-5 times through the night.
Last night she woke EVERY. SINGLE. HOUR. Today I cried.
Despite the tiredness, I've given myself permission to be creative. To do non-practical art. Husband is supporting me. And although I'm at a place now where I no longer need his support, I'm very glad to have it.
I can do bits between attending to the Wildflower's needs. There's paint on my clothes and my fingers are black at the end of almost every day. The art is gushing out of me. And it's imperfect and clumsy and amateurish and I adore it.
Oh, and if you're interested in journaling, creating, even blogging, with Full Moon questions/prompts, take a look over at my other place.
I'm quieting the inner critic.
Slowly, sometimes painfully, I'm learning to let go, to let loose, to be free with my creativity. It's opening up wounds, but in a good way. Or at least, I'm at a place that I can see it as good. The wounds were festering. In reopening them I can begin to heal them properly. So emotionally, it's a bit odd right now. Lots of frowning and tons of grins.
But my recent mind-decluttering, and my continual softening of what Time means, has me much less anxious. I can't do it all. I no longer want to do it all. Sometimes I cook and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I clean and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I follow a lead on an interesting subject and sometimes I don't. And when I don't, there's no regrets (mostly, still a process), and I simply chalk it up to choosing a better life for myself.
I used to believe I was choosing less. Now I know I'm choosing more. Quality over quantity.
I'm feeling claustrophobic.
I'm desperate to get out of this apartment. We have controlled the mould situation. I lost count of how many loads of washing I did in just two days! Trying to squeeze the most out of the only day of sunshine. So at least I'm not depressed or ill.
Having most of our boxes and stuff strewn all over the place (because we're not using the mouldy rooms) and thereby feeling cluttered, can't be helping.
But I want to get up that mountain, amongst those woods, in a tranquil village. I want to open my windows wide and breathe in the distant muskiness of goats and the crispness of snow-capped peaks. I need to stretch.
I will not mention the unfixed leaks at the house.....
I'm feeling disconnected from those around me.
I fully realise this is largely due to circumstances (sahm w/ high-needs child) and largely of my own making as I'm not very social. While I enjoy meeting up with others - my favourite being a cup of chai and a 1-2-1 engrossing dialogue, that doesn't present itself too often. But my day revolves around the Wildflower's needs - when she wakes, when she'll need to nap, go to bed, have a bath...... or I'm beyond tired and am lucky I can manage to dress myself let alone attend anything.
Instead I watch from the sidelines as parties, weddings, cultural events, and general get-togethers happen around me. Even a baby shower that nobody invited me to. Did they forget 'cause I'm so non-existent?
Odd feelings around this as well. I'm not upset at all or feel excluded. Just observations. Probably more amused than anything. Like, wow, look at me, I've become the Invisible Woman!
I do prefer my privacy and quiet alone time, yet feel a twinge when human contact seems to be occuring from behind a curtain. So what's that about?
And yet again - parallel to that, I have been gifted with the online company of a few of the most amazing and inspiring women I have ever known. We just happen to have never met face-to-face. With them I get to be me, I am supported, I have the best conversations EVER, I am filled with love, acceptance.... oh dear, seems gushy? Well, you get the idea.
So really, I'm getting what I want, no? My personal space and privacy, and meaningful contact when I want it. The Pisces energy against the Virgo moon does amazingly roller-coaster things with your heart.
So a topsy-turvy month. But like I said to a friend earlier - we're doing great in the areas that matter.
Did you realise that the Pisces month is the end of the astro cycle? ... we can often feel around this time a lot of vague discontent. You see, we have been given lots of opportunities during the cycle to sort out our stuff, to let go, to free up, to cut off, to grow, to move forward. Anything we didn't choose to face will carry over. And that's ok, it isn't doom-and-gloom. Not everything takes one cycle.
But it does mean we're feeling vulnerable. Despite weird emotions of late, I'm glad I've dealt with the worst, last year, so I'm going into the new one hopeful and excited.... if sleepy.
I hope similar joy for you as well. If not, then I hope for the strength to face further challenges.