Thursday, January 21

Thankful Anyway Thursday

It's easy to be thankful for the good stuff, can you be thankful for the not so good?
(as serious or light-hearted as you like)
read more here



My daughter doesn't sleep for longer than 2hr periods, often waking every 45mins in the late morning. We go to bed together, after 11:30pm, and we wake together. She naps for 2hrs. While awake, she is a very physically attached child (although this is lessening) and very energetic.

Those two hours are the only time I have fully to myself, completely peacefully.

So...... the last 4-6 weeks, she has been teething her final front teeth. And to say it has been hell would be an understatement.

For the past 3 weeks we have gone to bed around 2am, with the constant wakings continuing.

That, as exhausting and as it is, I can soldier through. But teething brought on the WHINING. Like, every 20 mins, she flipped from contentedly playing to going floppy and asking to go to bed (her comfort place), or simply whining whining whining.

Through a sleep deprived brain, I put everything aside and focused on her. I played, read, cuddled, went for walks. Nothing lasted. After 3 days of this incessant whining and little sleep, and minimal time for myself, and then my moontime arrived..... I cracked.

I cried and cried, I even screamed. Not at her, just generally. I stabbed a kitchen knife into the bread board over and over, trying to release the fury.

I cried some more, telling her that mama had hurt her finger. She patted my head. We hugged and shared a moment. Then she started whining.

And I wanted to hurt her.

No, I never would, and 'want' is not truly desiring it. It's just a primal instinct to stop the source of my pain.

I walked out of the room, into my bedroom, leaving her crying on the floor.
I screamed and bashed a pillow around the room.

Then I returned to her........ and continued, because it just comes down to love. sigh

I thought about Thankful Anyways, and I was angry with them. I did NOT want to be thankful for this! I am a good mother, I'm always here for her, I don't leave her when it gets too tough, I didn't deserve this. I hated Thankful Anyway with a vegeance!

So I allowed myself the anger. When the Husband got home that evening, I told him that I was on the brink of insanity and he took her for an extended daddy time. I also told him that I was angry and that I'll be taking it out on him. When he smiled I didn't have the strength to smile back, but it did help me see a glimmer of the lighter side... somewhere under the murkiness.

So I stood outside, in the freezing cold night and I gave my anger away to the earth. For to the earth it is simply neutral energy. I gave myself permission to feel exhausted, depressed, pissed off, and enveloped in the dark.

After a couple of days, I was ready for the Thankful Anyway.



I am thankful anyway for this experience because
... my girl has a safe place, and feels safe, to release the emotions of her own pains in the only way a toddler can know how, towards her main carer.
... I am her safe place, and always will be.
... I find more compassion for other mothers.
... I proved to myself that I had come a long way since her birth. That instead of feeling sadness and guilt, I was able to feel anger. During the worst time, I am able to not blame myself and allow myself the right to 'negative' emotions.

If you've done your own Thankful Anyway, go ahead and add your link - directly to the post - to the linky below (not visible in feed reader). Grab the button up the top (right click & Save As) and a link back is always nice.



16 comments:

  1. I am not sure why (or maybe I am..) I am sitting here reading this post in tears!
    I feel it too!

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  2. congratulations to you for getting to the thankful place. if i could write right now, my post would have been so very similar!

    lots of mamas, past and present - and future - are nodding in love and understanding...

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  3. I love that you say "you are her safe place". That's how I feel about my relationship with my kids. You show so much understanding about what is really important in parenting.

    A very touching post today. Thank you.

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  4. I remember well when my Littles were clingy and whiny. I also embraced that time because I knew that they were safe with me. Good for you for allowing yourself to feel the emotions that come up with feeling pulled in all directions. Take time for you as often as you can. Even if its only a moment.

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  5. Completely get you on this. Oh, so very yes.

    So glad to hear you managed to find your way through it, and yes, very positive to accept that anger is a part of the process; I too find it hard to feel anger without feeling guilty about it, but at the end of the day, I know (rationally, though perhaps not emotionally!) that it's all part of life's rich tapestry and all that. Here's hoping those teeth come through as soon as may be.

    *hugs*

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  6. have been in that breadboard moment...had to laugh at husband moment, i frequently do this too, warn him he will be the brunt...sending you hugs...oh, you are doing to love mistress of spices, that moment of releasing the anger into the ground just reminded me of it...

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  7. I really admire your honesty; you encourage me to write more about the hard moments and reflect on them as they come. Sometimes I get dizzy with irritation; it's nice to hear that others cannot keep it all together all of the time. It's even more wonderful to hear about how you make feeling so overwhelmed and irritated into something that can be productive. That's hard to do, Mon, but you always encourage me to take a step back and think about my feelings and what they mean. Thank you.

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  8. God it's great you really felt this, really, really. You could teach other mama's on how to release these emotions in a safe way - glad you didn't really cut yourself when stabbing the board too! This is inspiring Mon in how you can be honest with yourself in this way and at the same time I almost started crying out of feeling what you would have gone through at the time. And I don't mean to be sentimental but I just know know know how it might have been at the time for you. And it sux.

    Still think you are defying nature by all that you do on top of this kind of sleep dep.

    As for pills - yes you're absolutely right - I gotta get out of dreamland - there's profit in pills and that's the bottom line.

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  9. I second Ruth's emotion here. The honesty in this post is brutal and amazing and brave and humble and so many other adjectives.

    No advice. Just compassion and sympathy and prayers and positive vibes and hugs and cheers too! xoxo

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  10. Thank you for this. When I melt down it scares my little guy. I'm afraid to let him see it, but walking away only makes him cry harder.

    Whining is SO HARD. When my little guy whines I feel like he is asking me to help him over and over again like a broken record, only neither of us knows what is needed.

    The visual of you stabbing the breadboard and standing in the cold letting the anger out...wow.

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  11. :::hugs:::

    I don't know why whining triggers us so much. I miss so much about Zeb's baby days. And although I can say I miss the crying and the clinginess and the constant need for care and all the others things that drove me crazy in my worst moments, and although I miss the tiny person behind his whining, I really don't miss the whining.

    So, I won't lie and say "Enjoy it; you'll miss it someday". You will *not* miss the whining. But you will miss the tiny person behind the whining. So enjoy her.

    This TWO shall pass. :)

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  12. Oh yes, I've SO done the screaming, pillow-thrashing, wall-punching anger. And told my partner that I'm feeling angry and I just can't help it and I need to let it out, though he doesn't really understand. And I have SO wanted to hurt my baby, and I've probably put her down a little bit roughly, right before I walked out the door and took some deep breaths.

    It's a hard place to be, and I'm glad you are feeling a little better now.

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  13. What a brave and moving post. Many mothers, if not all will relate to these feelings, but few would be brave or articulate enough to write a post like this. Kudos to you for doing it - dealing in this way, and sharing it. Wishing you many more hours of sleep (sleep deprivation is such torture, I speak from experience) and a speedy end to the teething and accompanying behaviours.

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  14. Thank you for that image of offering your anger to the earth.

    I'm grateful it was there to hold you, that you came to that thankful place, and that you shared it with us.

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  15. what a painful process...for everyone, eh? I'm having gratitude that you so thoughtfully shared this...I LOVE it when moms are unafraid to share their reality. Because the truth is we all have those moments, and we just lose dignity when we don't get sleep. (Toddlers too!)

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