(as serious or light-hearted as you like) read more here
My daughter doesn't sleep for longer than 2hr periods, often waking every 45mins in the late morning. We go to bed together, after 11:30pm, and we wake together. She naps for 2hrs. While awake, she is a very physically attached child (although this is lessening) and very energetic.
Those two hours are the only time I have fully to myself, completely peacefully.
So...... the last 4-6 weeks, she has been teething her final front teeth. And to say it has been hell would be an understatement.
For the past 3 weeks we have gone to bed around 2am, with the constant wakings continuing.
That, as exhausting and as it is, I can soldier through. But teething brought on the WHINING. Like, every 20 mins, she flipped from contentedly playing to going floppy and asking to go to bed (her comfort place), or simply whining whining whining.
Through a sleep deprived brain, I put everything aside and focused on her. I played, read, cuddled, went for walks. Nothing lasted. After 3 days of this incessant whining and little sleep, and minimal time for myself, and then my moontime arrived..... I cracked.
I cried and cried, I even screamed. Not at her, just generally. I stabbed a kitchen knife into the bread board over and over, trying to release the fury.
I cried some more, telling her that mama had hurt her finger. She patted my head. We hugged and shared a moment. Then she started whining.
And I wanted to hurt her.
No, I never would, and 'want' is not truly desiring it. It's just a primal instinct to stop the source of my pain.
I walked out of the room, into my bedroom, leaving her crying on the floor.
I screamed and bashed a pillow around the room.
Then I returned to her........ and continued, because it just comes down to love. sigh
I thought about Thankful Anyways, and I was angry with them. I did NOT want to be thankful for this! I am a good mother, I'm always here for her, I don't leave her when it gets too tough, I didn't deserve this. I hated Thankful Anyway with a vegeance!
So I allowed myself the anger. When the Husband got home that evening, I told him that I was on the brink of insanity and he took her for an extended daddy time. I also told him that I was angry and that I'll be taking it out on him. When he smiled I didn't have the strength to smile back, but it did help me see a glimmer of the lighter side... somewhere under the murkiness.
So I stood outside, in the freezing cold night and I gave my anger away to the earth. For to the earth it is simply neutral energy. I gave myself permission to feel exhausted, depressed, pissed off, and enveloped in the dark.
After a couple of days, I was ready for the Thankful Anyway.
I am thankful anyway for this experience because
... my girl has a safe place, and feels safe, to release the emotions of her own pains in the only way a toddler can know how, towards her main carer.
... I am her safe place, and always will be.
... I find more compassion for other mothers.
... I proved to myself that I had come a long way since her birth. That instead of feeling sadness and guilt, I was able to feel anger. During the worst time, I am able to not blame myself and allow myself the right to 'negative' emotions.
If you've done your own Thankful Anyway, go ahead and add your link - directly to the post - to the linky below (not visible in feed reader). Grab the button up the top (right click & Save As) and a link back is always nice.