Saturday, December 19

solstice letting go

The Winter Solstice is about the dark time yeilding to the light time.

Some of this is honoured in actual letting go. It's a time I use to, among other things, reflect back on the issues and experiences that have weighed me down, brought up anxiety, guilt, regret, or pain, and what no longer works, or has had its time.

It's about letting go, releasing, saying goodbye.

Some of the things I'll be letting go....

* Finally, my pain over our breastfeeding experience.

Despite it being over 17 months ago, I discovered a few weeks back that some pain was lingering deep down. I had wanted breastfeeding to work, desperately. It didn't happen for us, and it hurt deeply.

Time to release the feelings of inadequacy, guilt, doubt, regret. It is the past.

- I did what I could with what I knew and where I was at the time.
- my girl is the healthiest child I know.
- breastfeeding is just one aspect of a grander parenting journey.
- guilt and regret are eroding emotions.

I give them up.


* my old (theoretical) marriage

Too personal to write about here, but so many of us go through ups and downs, and even challenges that stretch love to breaking point.

- wounds have been healed, hearts opened, hopefully, new understandings reached.
- the past deserves to lie in peace.
- new Love needs fresh Light. We have to look forward.

I say goodbye to the old relationship.



* Mothering expectations

My mothering journey has included deep dives into my attitudes, emotions, philosophies, and my child's inherent Self. I feel honoured that so many of you have shared this journey with me here.
What I hadn't worked on consciously, but what creeps around the edges, is a need, or belief, to be something that is valued externally from me. That is, with so many forums, blogs, articles, books, labels, websites, about mothering naturally, us women allow ourselves to feel we aren't enough.

We say, I'm not as crafty, natural, playful, available, as other mothers. When all that matters is us and our child and our relationship, and what comes naturally to us. Another mother's choice and abilities has nothing to do with me.

Fortunately, I never fell for the lies, but I did let them wander around in the garden of my heart. Time for them to leave. They have no home here.

Goodbye.

And on the other side of the Solstice, I start afresh. The Light brings with it, not so much newness like Spring, but renewed hope, clearer understandings, and a lighter load, that have grown out of the rich soil of the Dark.

May your own letting go be filled with peace, and the lightness fill your soul for the beautiful wonder of the next cycle.

25 comments:

  1. "All that matters is us and our child and our relationship" - perfectly said.

    This formal letting go must be a very cathartic and healing experience for anyone who commits to renewing your spirit and forging ahead. I think I will evaluate what is negative in my life and let that go too. Thanks Mon.

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  2. This post has really taken my breath away. I could do with letting go of all those things myself. Let go and live well, my friend.

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  3. Great philosophy and in keeping with the old rituals. Happy and peaceful solstice xx

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  4. I love the idea of actively letting go of the negative elements and leaving them on the dark side, as well as determining what to focus on under the new light. I was pondering what to do for a Solstice Celebration that wouldn't add to the strain with so many other things going on in the lead up to Christmas, and now I have my answer - I'm thinking even of writing down the things i am letting go of, and then burning the paper - I like the thought of all the negativity being consumed and overpowered by the bright heat of the fire.

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  5. I love new beginnings. Mornings, Samhain, birthdays, Solstice, January first, Spring... :)
    I'll always take all I can get.

    Winter is a favorite - post Solstice - because there is lots and lots of time for pondering. :)
    Personal evolution is a beautiful thing.

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  6. i enjoyed this. i'm glad to hear about your relationships with both your daughter and your husband. i've been thru some pretty dark times with both of my guys; some times i was sure we wouldn't make it thru. i'm blessed to say we somehow did and are better for it.

    among all the things we're letting go right now - our home, security, possesions, income - there is one particular thing i'm struggling to let go of right now. but i'm not quite ready to even give it voice yet, let alone let it go. but i know the time to face is is coming soon. i think i'll try to make it thru the holidays first.

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  7. Great post. It is so true that there is something very special about this darkest time of the year. It's a wonderful time to examine our OWN expectations -- not those of the blogosphere or anyone else. I'm looking forward to using this time to think about living more consciously and with greater intention. An examination of all of my current ways is a huge part of that.

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  8. Although for us here it's the Summer Solstice on Monday, and therefore a different energy to that of the Winter letting go, I have also been focus on is this very idea:

    "What I hadn't worked on consciously, but what creeps around the edges, is a need, or belief, to be something that is valued externally from me. That is, with so many forums, blogs, articles, books, labels, websites, about mothering naturally, us women allow ourselves to feel we aren't enough...Fortunately, I never fell for the lies, but I did let them wander around in the garden of my heart".

    Oh yes! I've definitely been resonating with this lately. A big reason I'm stepping back from being immersed in these online worlds, is feeling my own clear, inner voice and confidence constantly shaken and second-guessed - as a mother and just in general. And as you say, they have no home here. This Solstice is for me, about returning to my own power.

    Lovely post.

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  9. A beautiful post and one that gets me thinking as well. New beginnings and new light... lovely. Happy Winter Solstice Mon, may the future be nothing but bright for you and yours. xx

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  10. Hello, Mon. I'm very inspired by this post to let go of some of the weight I've been carrying around this year. There is no need to carry it into the new year. Thank you for your gentle and beautiful words. I always feel so peaceful after I read your words.
    I'm really glad you're able to let go of some of these weights. I know a lot of mothers struggle with breastfeeding expectations. I imagine it's very hard. I pray your new year allows you freedom from these heavy burdens.

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  11. I love the honesty of this. I have been struggling for weeks to write out my birth story/hospital experience...to finish it before solstice...to release it at the "appropriate" time. But really, it's the emotion of the experience that needs to be released. You let go in words so beautifully.

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  12. I still feel pain over the way I gave birth to my son, and it's been on my mind lately. It's not as strong, but it's still there. I love your idea of letting go with the solstice. But I'm definitely not ready for that. I still need to hold onto it. Does that sound strange? Having a need to hold onto something painful?

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  13. I have Goosebumps while reading. I love the feeling that comes with letting go. Out with the old... in with the new. Thank you.

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  14. Welcome Renecia, Meredith, and Julie. *waves*

    Lisa - I absolutely understand. In fact, we shouldn't force ourselves to let if we aren't ready. It only causes further problems, especially guilt, or repression.
    And grief has to be fully experienced before we can live on the other side of it. I have spent some time on the grief I want to release, so I am ready. You'll know when you are.

    Nettles - ah, 'returning to your own power' finds a good place in the Summer Solstice! Have a fabulous one friend.

    I will think of each of you, with your own desires to let go, as I light my candles.

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  15. Beautiful, it is so fascinating that so many of us that are drawn to your blog seem to have been on the same journey this year...I feel you expressed here so many truths of my own year as well...

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  16. thank you for sharing this - it really spoke to me as this year has been very trying for me; in fact the last several years. one big issue is everything i went through with the birth of my son - he is now 9 and yet,there were so many things that i did not deal with while it was happening. my son was born 13 weeks early weighing 1 pound 2 ounces - he was in the hospital for 4 and 1/2 months before we could bring him home. i also had a four year old daughter to care for also. i remember everyone telling me how great and strong i was but really i was just on auto pilot. i did what i had to - my son came home on oxygen, a feeding tube, an apnea monitor and a pulse ox plus 6 medications and breathing treatments. in addition, i had to drive to the hospital and back every day for those 4 and 1/2 months. at first i was told to expect a stillbirth then when he was born, we were told he might be blind, mentally retarded, and have increased risks of all sorts of medical and mental disabilities. its been a long road of operations, hospitalizations, physical and occupation therapies - but he turned out to beat most of the odds; we found out 4 years ago that he has aspergers syndrome. i was crushed - it looked like he was going to catch up with his peers and outgrow any of the effects of his prematurity and now here was something that would never be "cured" or that he would outgrow. no one around me understood that it was now, now that he seemed to be doing so well,both with his health and in school, now i'm upset? well, its just been NOW that i have been able to deal with all of that - while it was happening, i had to be strong, i could not afford to feel. that is my letting go for this solstice- it will that experience that i draw strength from for the new year. blessed solstice - ligth & love to you.

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  17. Thought I'd give myself a post baby treat and pop by for a little read and am very glad I did Mon. This was extremely beautiful... off I go teary eyed. Thank you.

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  18. I've been reading for a while, but I wanted to say hello today because I absolutely love this post. I, too, have a failed breastfeeding experience - two of them, in fact. As my kids get older it's easier for me to leave that pain behind - I'm no longer surrounded by women who watch me feeding my babies from bottles and wonder why a holistic person like me isn't nursing. I'm not a recipient of the judgment or sidelong looks or assumptions anymore. But when people ask about my kids, assuming they were breastfed, sometimes assuming they are still nursing, it stings. I don't think that sharp little pain will every disappear. But I try to focus on exactly what you've listed here - I did the best I could, my kids are tremendously healthy, and even if I didn't breastfeed, I definitely "nursed" them, feeding them close to my skin and connecting with them through all kinds of nourishment.

    I love the Solstice as a wonderful opportunity to let go. Many blessings for you and yours.

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  19. Beautiful. I seem to be moving through anger during this winter solstice. I love your words "The Winter Solstice about the dark time yielding to light"...

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  20. Thank you for this Mon. I have borrowed your title and done my own post on Like A Starfish - hope you don't mind. I feel as though I've been working up to it for a little while - everything's starting to click into place. Sending light your way :)

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  21. Oh yeahhhhhh!!! On letting go - thanks for writing something I SO needed to read.
    It's a fabulous post!
    Happy Solstice to you cool mamma!!

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  22. maryandthemoon and Chandelle - thank you so much for sharing your stories. Very touching, may you move through and past the old pains.

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  23. Letting go is never easy, however negative, and I congratulate you on leaving them behind in the dark of the past.

    Bright Blessings Mon ... :0)

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  24. Considering the ride we've been on this year, I give a big 'Ohhh yess' to these words, Mon...

    I'm done with Suzy Creamcheese. Bring me your tired, your poor, your Authentic, and I will be grateful.

    Hope your Solstice was magical, transformative, peaceful...

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  25. I forget how nourishing it is to visit here. I needed to read those words about mothering more than anything else today. I am only just diving into my own relationship with my child without the guilt and judgement that rises guiltily when I read about how much 'better' other mother's are doing it. The most precious gift we can give our children, is ourselves, warts, goodness and all. Happy Solstice to you. X

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