Tuesday, December 8

finding home

We're back home, and I would have blogged earlier if it weren't for this awful cold I brought back with me. Body said - do nothing.... so I did, mostly anyway.

Recently I found myself chatting to friends about the concept of 'home', and what it means to each of us. There are so many concepts attached to it. Is it the place you were born? The place your ancestors dwelled? The land whose energy seems to support your own? The house you built? The place where your things are? The land you've worked? Wherever you are at the time?

I've often joked that wherever I lay my hat books, that's my home....

But it's not really a joke, not completely. I am nomadic. I've lived in three countries (not for work or other sensible reasons), and show no signs of leaving it there. I'm the sort of person that when travelling, suggests we head back home, referring to the current hotel. Right now, my books lay in Montenegro.

Bedouin tent. Credit: Shutterstock

On the plane, looking down at the English coastline, I got an overwhelming feeling of 'coming home'. Unexpected. I found it confusing, and yet, not. You know?

My time in England, almost 13 years, gave me so much. I am a creature of nature, and so my connection to the Land was fierce and intimate. Cornwall seemed to have the most supportive energy for me. But there is also an overlaying energetic noise there, of historical happenings, that is too loud for me.

Our 3 weeks there were tough. The Wildflower had a great three days and then began to feel the over-stimulation. Then she began to ask for her familiar things. Then she was subjected to 6 days of NOISE, as well as 'arumentativ type noise, and then she had a weird 24hr illness, and she hated her new formula, she was having 3-4 tantrums a day!, and then she caught a cold, and then I did, and then the flight back was during her nap time and it was TOUGH...... sigh.....

Despite how difficult it has been having a velcro baby, we have a very strong bond, that for her has meant a strong physical bond as well. In such an upheaval as our trip, I was her anchor..... her home. I'm grateful that I was able to provide such a secure sense of stability for her.

On arriving home, my heart was squeezed tight when I saw a smile slowly spread across her face as she looked down on her Bumbo (child seat thing). I could sense her gentle happiness. This item was a beloved and more importantly, a familiar thing. The next morning when she woke, she looked up at a picture on the wall, with a similar smile. She was home.

I had also felt that I was arriving home. I wondered if it was simply because this is where my books lay. Where I had set up camp... for now. I know that part of the feeling was having my personal space back. Boundaries.

I have yet to find the home of my heart, of my soul. Not sure if it's important really. I know that it matters to live somewhere where I feel supported by my environment though. For me that includes mountains and water.

For some people, home nurturing comes from the simple tangible things - the wood stove, the baking pans, the garden.... for others it's wherever family is... for others it's a connection to the Land.......
What do we mean by home? The safest place, the place that supports us, the place we feel most ourselves, where we are most comfortable, where you'll sleep? What else?

If you're not in your heart home right now, how strongly do you feel the disconnection?

I think of myself as a citizen of the world, and perhaps I'll always roam, and be happy to do so. Or perhaps there's a Place out there that calls me still, and even explains my itchy feet. Having a child means I need to consider her ideas of home too.

Are you at home?

Ahhh... that felt good, it's great to back here, chatting, connecting....

18 comments:

  1. Yay! So thrilled to hear from you Mon. The notion of "Home"...sigh. I really don't know that anymore. I guess I think of Canada as "home" or wherever the most of my dear family and friends congregate. But recently, when the possibility of leaving Sweden arose, I went into a bit of a panic mode. Why? Because of our son. He now calls this place "home", is mastering the language, flourishing at his new school and has made friends. I could not imagine ripping him away from security...again...So for now and because of our son, Sweden is home. But part of me is also tied heavily to Montenegro, the place he spent the first two and a half years of his life. Home is indeed where the heart is and my heart is tethered to three different countries, with unfriendly Sweden topping the list because of my son...for now. But we are indeed his anchor and that means home is where his heart is and that's with us and vice versa. So we have our physical homes and our soul homes. hmmm...

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  2. (((((hugs)))) welcome *home*, Dear One..:)

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  3. Welcome back to the place where Wildflower smiles, and most of your books are! We missed you in this "home space".

    I married a wanderer...and as much as I like to think I'm ready to get up an go wherever & whenever, I feel the anchors of home ownership, stuff & having a child. I like the idea of putting down roots somewhere, but I also dream of tearing them all up, and starting completely new elsewhere. I've been in one place long enough to find community (something I value) and lose it several times. I hope to find it again for Z - wherever that might be.

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  4. Welcome back to your home! It is interesting to think about what makes home for each of us. I have moments of "home" during my day. A quick glance from my oldest son, a wave from my neighbor, my deck covered in snow... Little things that make me feel comfortable in my space.

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  5. I'm sorry it was tough, and I'm sorry you've been sick. I hope you feel better soon.

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  6. Welcome back! You must be in my mind. Have been thinking a lot about something similar lately, mostly because hubby keeps talking about this being our forever home and I don't quite feel it. Have to keep thinking.

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  7. Welcome back! Been looking forward to discussing The Red Tent, so I hope to get over there in coming days...As for home, well I'm working through that one. On a spiritual level I don't think home is a place, and yet...certainly I resonate with certain places more than others. I do have places in nature where my being goes 'ahhhh' and settles in, and lets go, and I think of those as heart homes.
    I do think having children has changed my sense of 'home' too. I am more drawn to settling down for awhile, to nesting, not out of any kind of philosophical belief that children have to have that, but more because it just seems to be what mine thrive on...they loved moving this summer, but are loving making it home even more, in their rooms etc....

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  8. It´s good to have you back!

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  9. Welcome back, Mon! We moved so many times when I was young that it took weeks of culling through old photos recently for my mother and me to actually recreate a reasonable chronology of my early life according to place. San Francisco was where my grandparents lived, and so, through our annual visits, it became the de facto home base.

    Before I decided to move to San Diego, I did an exercise to explore what was most important to me in terms of "place." I listed all the places I remember living, and then listed what I loved about them, along with the opposite of what I hated about them. This gave me a long list of characteristics I love in a place.

    I systematically prioritized them, and discovered to my surprise that climate was of ultimate importance to me. So I researched places that had - first of all - the climate I liked, and then looked to see which of those also had most of my top 5 preferences. I landed in San Diego, and though there is much I love about other places, seeing the blue sky most days of the year is a balm to my soul. I wouldn't be happy without it.

    Cheers!
    Alexis

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  10. I am most definitely home. Maybe not in the exact perfect spot, but definitely in the right region. I have my mom and most of my siblings out here. We grew up in California, and I always thought that was my home, until my mom remarried and moved to Oregon. I was living in Utah at the time. I had the choice to move back to California where my friends were and everything that I was familiar with, or Oregon where my family was. I chose family. And it turns out that Oregon is the place that I connect to the most. I can't imagine being happier in any other place. I need mountains, too, but I also need trees. I'm glad that my family also has a strong connection to Oregon, because I would be very torn if they left.

    But even with all that, home is also where all my stuff is. I can't feel totally comfortable anywhere unless I have my own space with my own stuff.

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  11. Heartwarming what you said about you being her 'home'.

    I'm not sure what constitutes 'home' for me - maybe a bit of it all: where my husband and son are, where my familiar 'things' are, where i have my own boundaries or peace.

    i'll be interested to see how all this changes as we hit the road. i'm so excited and so sad at the same time. will the rv feel like home still? or will i feel the needed to be rooted?

    glad to see you safely 'home', whatever that might mean!

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  12. Glad you are back!

    I've been thinking about home a lot, too. For some reason, I have never felt at home anywhere but my parents' ranch. They have a beautiful spread of 40 acres, goats, dogs, chickens, ducks, ponds, irrigation ditch that looks like a creek... I love it there so much. I've never felt truly at home in my own houses/apartments...but I still have always loved the places in which I've lived. It's just not the same as having 40 acres surrounding you, though.

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  13. Ah, well, welcome back! What a fabulous post and one with great insight.
    I love how you're so tuned into your baby's needs, and she also, into who and what things ground her and make her feel secure.

    I've moved almost 30 times, but never out of Canada.
    I admire your love for travelling, your ability to "feel" what's right about one place and not so much about another. For me, it's always been about the apartment/house itself, it's surroundings and as close to mother earth as possible..(I'm not a "big city" type), and of course my books, my quirky furniture pieces.

    And yes...having a child changes things...she's definitely letting you know what she likes/dislikes already!

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  14. Yes, welcome back!

    A couple of years ago, or maybe more than that, really -- four years ago, I would have said, "Yes, I'm home." But lately my sense of unease has been growing and I've been searching for something/somewhere else. I don't know what or where, yet.

    At the same, I just recently had a great, settling in feeling... into my home, into my city, into myself. And that was really nice. So I'm holding both at once: searching and settled. It's an odd feeling.

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  15. I love that the Wf recognises home with smiles.

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  16. Hi hun! Welcome 'home'! Feel better soon... Still musing on your post & trying to find the answers to some of your questions, for me. But right now, off the top of my head, what comes to mind is this: Home is inside me - it's the memories, thoughts & feelings that keep me warm & safe - and it's wherever me & my loved ones are... Consequently I have many homes - lucky me.
    See you soon. X

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