I'm glad those who commented picked up on that because it gave me further pause to ponder on this issue.
There are people in this world who are focused. Some know what they Want to Be When They Grow Up, at the age of 10.... and go off and be that. Others have a few interests, that the focus on them allows those interests to blossom into areas of expertise, or careers, or Passions. Or simply, a satisfied life.
Then there are people like me, who wanted to be 10 different things When She Grew Up. People like me, who have done 10+ different types of jobs, have lived in varying places, and have expressed widely different personas. There are those like me who have several interests, hobbies, enjoyments, desires.
And not because I was/am fickle. Not because I crave variety. Not because I am indecisive. Not because I have some sort of personality disorder.
It's because I am profoundly interested.
Yes, that's all there is to that sentence. I am interested.
I am passionate about this world's offerings. It's an amazing place. Life is amazing. And I am a seeker (moon in Sag)
However, my soul produced the Impatience Shadow. Profound interest coupled with that Shadow, twists and reforms a passion for living into an intense Fear of Missing Out. From wanting to do all this stuff, to needing to do it. More accurately, believing I needed to do it all.
That Shadow whispers to me - there isn't enough time. Squeeze in more.
For a little while now, I have been telling it - it isn't about time at all.
So, okay, I healed that Shadow, then motherhood triggered it. Then I saw it re-emerge and started healing it again. And here I am on the Big Push.
Woman sifting, François Alfred Delobbe
This big push, The Great Mind Decluttering Experiment (just because it amuses me), is to do the practical work of that healing.
I decided to do something that is quite weird for me, make a list. I listed, right here, everything I could think of that I do, would like to do, as well as things I'm interested in, at this moment in my life. I was specific, and I included things I know that I would probably not do, but have been floating around in my mind.
This is what it's all about - the stuff living in my head.
I left it and returned to add to it. I came up with 57 interests. I made myself half the list.
Then I removed everything I wasn't actually doing, or desperate to do.
I also merged some interests. And I reduced the list of interests to 12 items. It was hard work. I found myself fighting to keep things on the list! Like, actually trying to trick myself.
Then I came up with a way to clarify these items for myself. I asked myself to choose 2 items that relax me, two that feed my soul, and two that connect me. I kept well and truly away from the word 'enjoy'.
1. watching films
1. nature walks
So, I had the 8 above, plus only 4 items left over. I can't express how much freer I felt just doing that. It's like I'm giving myself permission to not do all that stuff. But I'm not there yet.
I asked myself to come up with four words that would describe what I find to be essential for me to be content and truly me. I'm sure these words will change, but they just matter for right now.
This part was to help me further solidify what I really needed to include in my day to day living. So the 8-item list above shifted as I became more and more honest with myself. And it was, and still is this morning, a bit of a shocking list.
Erm... I mean, hello... why isn't reading books up there, or studying, or researching, and how the heck did films make it?! And that writing one is looking rather ominous....
Stay tuned for the answers to these questions and more. I'll chat with you about how I went about sifting through some of the items. It's a work in progress, so I'm interested in what I come up with too.