I try to fill up emptiness with food.
I try to fill up stillness with doing.
I try to fill up stillness with doing.
There, I said it. I wanted it out there. I wanted the complete clarity of having typed it out.
About 4 years ago, I had come a long way to healing my Impatience Shadow. About 7 months ago, there it was staring me in the face, looming over me, darkening my path.
You see, motherhood was a trigger.
The role of caring for my baby was overwhelming and all-encompassing, and these feelings were so loud that they woke my Shadow. Not in the first few months, where busyness left no room for pondering anything other than things of milk, poop, and, is-she-breathing.
At some time around 6 months, I began to see a glimmer of Self again, a tiny break in the busyness, and with that came the concept of time, of lost time. With it also came amazing personal shifts and discoveries. Wonderful ideas about mamahood and babies, and eco-diapers and wooden toys and, and ,and.... things to blog about, research, experiment.
And add to that, my soul was busting with the need for creativity.
I was an overflowing jug of a woman - ideas, ponderings, hopes, projects, mama role...
So my Shadow rose up to the call. It whispered - you haven't enough time, squeeze in more, don't nap, you're missing out....
I have been having this dialogue since my early 20's. I recognised it so well. There was no alarm, I simply heeded its needs.
I have since, synchronously, spoken with others who are filling up with unbeneficial things. I won't say wrong things, because I'm not a black-n-white, right-or-wrong sorta gal. Also, these things are right, in that they serve their purpose at the time. In other words, they are right, until we are ready to do otherwise.
My fillers might be food and doing, for others it could be; money, sex, pretty things, babies, projects, goals, drugs, lists, degrees, charity work, socialising, romance, achievements, control, blog posts, groups, keeping up with others, knitting, home decor, books, approval........
photo: google search
I'm not saying these things are fillers in and of themselves, I'm saying we can use them as such. Some of them are really helpful in recovery, ironically, because of their obvious detriments - obesity, debt, laying in a pool of your own vomit..... you get the picture.
But others, ooooh, they are sly. How difficult is it to spot a filler when we are, seemingly, doing 'good'? When what we do helps others, adds to our professional or family life? The most sinister are the ones that we convince ourselves are things that bring us happiness or we explain away the behaviour as simply 'who we are'.
Those burdened with the obvious ones are also easier to despise, pity, or more often, simply seen as alien to ourselves - inferior. The bigger the distance, the harder it is to recognise our own fillers.
The similarity with all fillers, is that they leave us unsatisfied. Anyone with food/eating issues knows this, right? Whether it's our most favourite food or we are stuffed, the satisfaction is momentary, fleeting.
I recognised the void a few years ago. I recognised that food and doing were fillers. I mean, this is the stuff of many hours of philosophical ponderings.
And yet, it was only until last week that I heard the lock chamber click, whilst, finally, reading Eating in the Light of the Moon.
I had recognised emptiness, I had recognised that I needed to fill it, and I had recognised that I was filling it with the unbeneficial....
I had never viewed emptiness as space.
And when viewed as space, the whole approach shifts.
Emptiness requires filling, space does not.
I love such simple insights.
And I added to that, that when we are filling up on authentic soul-needs, we are better able to view it as space, and we are comfortable with space. Unlike Fillers that leave us unsatisfied, and thereby craving more, acknowledging soul-needs allows us to feel fuller for longer, and feel safe in space because we trust that more will come when our soul requires it. Am I making sense?
I have more to chat with you about all this... in time. For now, share with me, if you feel comfortable doing so, your own Fillers, or suspected ones.