Monday, September 21

how I stopped compromising

As a true Libran, compromise is my middle name. And we all learn how love and friendship etc is all about compromise and as women we learn about compromise more than the others and spiritually we understand how compromise is growth and Love.....

.... but I've discovered just how damaging compromise is.

I guess it's like everything, we chant out 'in moderation' to each other. When is compromise too far?

When we've given up a part of who we are.

In my last post I started talking about what I believe are our 3 main soul-needs. And if we compromise anything that fulfills those needs, that's going too far. Don't you think?

People are doing this every day - going too far. When we have a choice, we choose the mind-numbing jobs, the hurtful partner, the incongruent lifestyle, becoming martyrs to parenthood.....

Some of you know that I've been going through some intense and life-changing upheaval these last few months. In that time, I've had a little space to do much soul-searching. Sometimes the thoughts were spontaneous blossoms from my situation.

I was an over-compromiser. Not in the obvious doormat variety. But in the strong woman, opinionated, vocal person variety. Yep, the kind that you can be forgiven for not spotting.

painting: Jaap Hart

And so I stopped compromising. And my life became an explosion of anger, tensions, loud silences... but I didn't compromise. Even though I was seduced every day to do just that. How easy a choice that seemed!

But I didn't.

And so today I find myself moving on the even more authentic road towards my dream life.

In tiny daily ways... I'm doing less of what is pure obligation, and more of what my soul needs. I'm discovering the maginificence of giving, alongside the necessity and rightness of mindful selfishness.
In big ways... my husband and I are re-inventing our marriage (after 13 years), we're discussing how to live in two countries, travel a whole lot more, not be tied down by work or bricks and mortar, and I'm writing every day.

Yes, there's still compromise. Impossible to be in any human relationship without it. But it's not soul-compromising compromise.

Also blogging at Crooked Hooks & chewing on a leaf


  1. I'm glad you're keeping your head above water; you're quite right - compromise has to be stopped at some point, and for me, there shouldn't be compromise at a spiritual connection sort of level; daily things, yes, but the ways that your souls speak to each other, emphatically no.

    Good luck with the reinvention - sounds really positive.

  2. This is great news. It takes such phenomenal courage to be truly true to yourself. But I've always believed we can't really play our gifted, designated, fated part in this symphony of life if we aren't our true selves - we'll be out of tune and so everything around us will always be wrong. Of course, having said that, I must admit I am always compromising.

  3. *sigh* This is have been (and are) so very brave and that courage is being rewarded....

    I think I'll start a new movement...the "What Would Mon Do?" approach....empowering women everywhere...*grin* You think I'm kidding. I have caught myself thinking that at certain times of late....:)

    (do y'all know the What Would Jesus Do thing? Maybe it's a North American phenomena? If you aren't familiar then my sparkling wit is wasted....:)

    Time for a new the Wheel perfect.

    ~Love, Light and Mabon blessings~

  4. "What Would Mon Do?"
    I just snorted tea through my nose.

  5. I have also given up soul-compromising compromise and it has allowed me to enrich my relationships and my life. I know how to compromise from a place of love and not from that usual place of fear. Great post.

  6. good for you, Mon! i definitely need to work on this.
    thank you for another great post!

  7. Mon, I am so, so happy to read this. And inspired. I am not built for compromise at all. And yet, I have received the female conditioning to do so, and recognize that no relationship can exist without some level of it. And so striking that balance has definitely been one of the main themes of my life, and THE theme of my personal life. I thought I would probably never marry because this was such a struggle for me, and I was fine with that. (In the end, I married relatively late (35) - and to a Libra!) Anyway, the point being that I can SO relate to this post. And it makes me hopeful for my own marriage that you are working towards a new balance, because I am perpetually doing the same. And it requires a constant vigilance, I think, which sometimes exhausts me and makes me want to give up. But I don't, because there is love, and there is a family life that I truly love, and there are so many moments that truly enrich my life. But sometimes it looks so much easier for others (of course, maybe they are compromising their souls, it is hard to know that from the outside.) Anyway, for me it is inspiring to read a woman talking openly and honestly about this struggle. I think in a way it is the struggle of modern womanhood. We are redefining male/female relationships in a way, and it is not easy on any of us, man or woman. XOXO

  8. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, as I have spent the past 6 weeks tirelessly looking for a new job. Filling out applications, making different versions of my resume, calling people to ask for references, and even going to an interview. I still have no job, no offers, and no requests for more interviews.

    And truth be told, there isn't a single job that I applied for that I actually wanted. In fact, I strongly DIDN'T want any of them.

    In my fantasy land, I'd love to be a writer, and make herbal lotions to sell. But I can't even imagine making a living like that. Who doesn't want that, right?

    We all have to make ends meet. So how does one go about doing that without compromising? I'm still struggling with that...

  9. Thank you for posting this today. This was a message that I needed to hear. For far too long, I have been compromising in my relationship with my mother, who refuses to get help for her mental health and social problems. I have been caught in what I now recognize has become a vicious cycle of manipulation, abuse, exploitation and reconciliation. A dear friend told me, just today, that she has noticed my emotional health suffering greatly from the fallout of this unhealthy relationship. I have been seeking a source of encouragement that says it is okay for me to opt out of this relationship, and to walk away and get emotionally healthy again. And your post about compromise gave me the answer I was looking for.

  10. You are such a courageous soul. Thank you so much for posting this. You truly are a source of enlightenment and inspiration. Amazing Post.

    Brightest Blessings
    Bret (Hugs)

  11. Mon, I think this is the most meaningful post for me. Thank you so much. Much gratitude to you for posting this. So happy to hear about the re-invention of your marriage. This really offers a great alternative as opposed to the end relationship version which I think is often the most common default version, people take without re-inventing or re-creating things.
    I'm really going through this non-compromise thing now, doing art and the process of it brings out an authenticity that I realise is not happening in other aspects of my life, and as I result I get angry! Martyrdom to parenthood rings bells for sure. It's so hard as it even send my strong unschooling philosophies into confusion... Anyway, loads to talk about, too much for a comment!
    Thank you for this.
    (did you get my email about posting that art to you?)

  12. Yep - compromise can be such a trap in disguise can't it? It's something I've done myself over and over for my entire life. And much like you, I've not been the obvious doormat compromiser. I have told myself that it's about being "reasonable" and "fair". I can't even talk about this in the past tense, as I still do it.

    But there are some things that just cost us too much to compromise on. I'm really happy for you that you are following a more authentic path for yourself, and that you are moving closer to your dreams. That's a very inspiring thing.

    Reinvention can be a powerful transformer. And as corny as this may sound, women need to hear that other women are doing this stuff. It's partly isolation that can help to keep us locked in endless spiritual and emotional compromise, and which saps the courage.

  13. Whoever it was up there (been through like twice and my eyes are playing tricks on me)that said it seems so much easier to take the default road of a break-up was bang on. It's so sadly common. Mon, you both giving your marriage not only another shot, but new life, is truly inspiring to me (to all of us). Truly happy for the three of you and can't wait to hear about all these exciting plans..woohoo!

  14. mmmm...such a beautiful post, thank you for sharing this piece of your heart. my family is on that path of not compromising, that is what brought us to where we live and the lifestyle we enjoy. it is not easy to switch gears but such a beautiful thing when you do. warm wishes to you xo

  15. I really like your thoughts here. I also think it is so important to not compromise the things that are so very important to us! For me this is very easy to loose sight of sometimes but I try. A magical day to you!

  16. this is a good distinction to make...

    'remember our soul is the one thing we can't compromise-
    so we are gonna go where we can
    shine, shine, shine!'
    -david gray

  17. Compromise is a very tricky word. I was taught both to "never settle" in regards to whom I would marry, but also that marriage is "full of compromise." I turned down a man I was very much in love with because I knew I would have to compromise the kind of life I wanted in order to be with him. The man I did marry always told me to be myself. I guess he thinks I'm a little strange sometimes, but at least he thinks it's better than pretending to be something I'm not. The way I see it, the compromise part of marriage is making sure each person gets what is most important to them, and they give up stuff that isn't so important to them.

  18. So wonderful to hear how others are doing this, or trying to. I think I was somewhat vague in what I meant about not compromising, but it looks like you've all understood my meaning.

    LisaC - yes! being yourself and having the support of a partner, friend, parent, etc, is amazing. So often we are asked (usually implicitly) to fit into someone else's idea of what is acceptable/preferrable.

  19. Now I must make time to read your older posts, but even without the whole story, it seems you have come to a clear landing on your journey - where you can see what was before, the possibilities ahead, and the dazzling present. Congratulations to you!

    Compromise is vague. It's up to individuals and partners to decide how much of whatever is enough, too much.

    Sometimes the most amazing thing in my relationship with my husband is that he doesn't compromise when it comes to how much negativity he will hear from me.


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